~*~
02/19/12
I’ve just said the most difficult goodbye I can recall in
recent events. Maybe it ties with one
other. Both have been since you’ve last
read anything from me, and both have been with the same person. Let’s back up & fill in some more about
the past year in South Carolina, first.
I previously mentioned that my move was “for the purpose
of finding out if a guy (Ethan) who had entered my life in seemingly
Providentially-orchestrated fashion would end up being the man I share a
lifetime of future adventures with.” While
I lived with his Mom (Dad was/is on an extended work assignment) and later also
his sister, he continued classes in Clemson two hours away and I worked my two
jobs closer to home. We traded off
visiting each other on the weekends. I
have put off writing about this topic because, as much as I have wanted to, I
haven’t really known how best to do so.
There is so much to consider and process when reflecting on how a
relationship develops, and all the ups and downs and growth along the way. I think it would be safe to say that we both
learned a lot about ourselves through the time together. By November, though, we both felt that while we
very much cared about each other and were deeply attached to each other, some serious
concerns were demanding our acknowledgment.
He did the courageous thing and took the initiative in our conversation,
of which I was very grateful. We spent a
tearful evening together trying to accept the reality of our situation as we
had now openly discussed the things that had been privately nagging each of us
separately.
 |
| One of his reflection spots that he shared with me; where we would read and talk, learn more about each other and enjoy each other's company. |
02/26/12
A week has passed since I started writing this “Part
2.” The pain from last week’s goodbye
has subsided some, partly due purely to time, and partly due to the knowledge
that out-of-the-country doesn’t necessarily mean unable-to-contact. “Wait, where?” you ask. Oh, yes, you need more details. So picking up the story where we left off…
After that conversation in November, we tried to adjust
to not being a couple. There were
moments of relief as the pressures we had been placing on ourselves now no
longer needed to be there. And there
were moments of sorrow as we mourned the undesired outcome of the past year. We had planned on me being in South Carolina
until the end of the year, when he would graduate and we would both move west,
so at this point, the remainder of my time in South Carolina was to be four or
five weeks. Since he was going to take a
month-long Wilderness EMT course in California in January, we figured four
weeks was a short enough time that it didn’t make sense for me to leave early,
and we could stick to the plan of moving west together. The difference, now, though, was that while I
would still be moving to Flagstaff, AZ to finish a semester of school and
graduate, he would not be joining me after his month in CA.
We joined a group of friends in Joshua Tree, CA for a
week of rock climbing, and the last day of that trip was the scene for
“difficult goodbye #1.” After a group
lunch everyone said their “this was fun”s and “see you again soon”s with joy
for the time we had spent together and cheerful anticipation of the next time
we might see each other. Ethan and I,
though, were saying a different goodbye.
One that had been dreadfully looming in the distance. One that while we were still in South
Carolina had been a thing of thought but not reality. One that we knew was inevitable and
necessary, but that neither of us wanted to accept. Especially after having just spent time with
friends doing something we loved and experiencing a week that would have been
great bonding time for the two of us if we were still dating. Our goodbye was pierced with the reality that
this now meant physical separation from each other’s company, and had
uncertainty on the other side of it. We
were now beginning new chapters of our lives, and due to the recent
plot-change, we now had to walk ahead without each other. We were sad.
We tried to be encouraging and reassuring to each other. I broke down into full-out sobbing before the
car I was riding in got halfway out of the parking lot.
 |
| Brought together by climbing, we spent the last week before "goodbye" climbing, too. |
Well, further chronological filling-in will take us away
from life in South Carolina to now life back in Arizona, so I’ll pause here and
wrap up the SC reflections first. When I
think about how that year has affected me personally, I see a mixture of ways
I’ve grown and ways I haven’t, things about myself that have become more
apparent and things that got lost.
·
My awareness of types of people and their
backgrounds has been expanded.
·
I gained work experience in a different corner
of the Parks & Rec field than I previously had been familiar with.
·
My interest in national history was stirred.
·
I had lots of opportunities to practice not
being in charge of everything.
·
My self-will follow-through was tested, and
failed more often than I’d like.
·
I developed a more realistic understanding
(through experience and through study-reading) of relationships and healthy
expectations.
·
My often black-and-white views on things have
acquired much more grey (sometimes a good thing, sometimes not).
·
I have been able to open up more deeply in close
relationships, and have been able to feel less like I need to always answer
“how are you?” with a smile and “I’m good!”
(It’s ok to be honest & say “I’m hanging in there,” or “well, kinda
struggling today,” or “been better, but the sun is shining” because your
willingness to be gently genuine opens an opportunity for the other person to
practice their empathy and to connect with you on a personal level.)
·
I learned that when I’m in my efficiency or productivity
mode I can unintentionally lack sensitivity towards others, and I need to
improve my thick-skin / thin-skin radar.
·
I’ve gotten to practice greater and longer
patience.
·
I’ve also discovered how short I can be when
that patience is gone.
·
My desire to be tactful or respectful or
trusting and thus bite my tongue sometimes results in losing confidence in
myself.
·
I’ve come out of this with a lot more questions
than answers.
 |
| One of our dates included walking the gardens and monuments of the South Carolina State House at night. |
Storyline to be continued with “Reflections: On Returning
to Flagstaff.” Yet unwritten, but coming…
~*~
